December 4, 2009

Marco Scutaro and other Baseless Speculation on the Red Sox Hot Stove Season.

This video is serious, by the way… not like, from me… but someone actually made it… in real life…

…With only a few days left until the Winter Meetings (my favorite non-baseball season week of the year), nobody really has any idea what is going on with the Red Sox. Last year we all knew that they were going to go hard after the guy whose balls are in Leigh Teixeira’s handbag (obviously not hard enough) and that the Yanks were going to sign a fat guy. In the weeks since the end of the season, there have been rumors of everything from the Sox getting Roy Halladay for Buchholz and Casey Kelly (who is both a shortstop and starting pitcher), to them signing Matt Holiday instead of Jason Bay so that they could net an extra draft pick, to Theo giving up his first born, Mike Lowell and the souls of half the front office to get Hanley Ramirez back and end the curse of Nomar.

SCOOOOOOOOOOOOT

The most recent word with any certainty is that Marco Scutaro, a career utility player who managed to put in a career year last season in Toronto, wants to come to Boston and the team has sent Allard Baird to see him work out and requested his medical records. Of course, this wouldn’t have been necessary if the team (meaning Theo, who really has to prove his shit this offseason) hadn’t crapped the bed when they had a chance to resign Alex Gonzalez, who has been the closest thing to an actual shortstop that the Sox have had since Cabrera and his “off-field issues” departed after 2004. The most recent report is that Scutaro is about to sign a two year deal, with an option for a third, which should be just enough time to let Jose Iglesias (by all reports he does not have a large facial mole), the Sox wiz kid shortstop of the future, to season in the minors. With the option of Gonzalez off the table, this is the best move possible.

Contrary to popular opinion, this move does not take away the possibility of the return of Hanley. Scutaro is a much better defensive shortstop (and by much better I mean that Hanley sucks) and Ramirez could be an answer in the outfield if Bay doesn’t return.

Please come home.

The other thing we know is that the team is putting on the full court press to re sign Jason Bay, and that Matt Holliday is not really on the radar. Bay is the best fit, having proven that he can thrive in the atmosphere of Boston and the American League, which Holliday has yet to do. Holliday’s only AL experience to this point, in fact, was a disastrous experience with the A’s at the start of last season, where he hit .286 with 11 HR and 54 RBI in 93 games. When he returned to St. Louis, had Albert Pujols protecting him, and was in the more comfortable National League again, Holliday hit .353, with 13 HR and 55 RBI in Only 63 games. There will be competition for Bay’s services, though, seeing as he is the most complete, proven player on the market. He recently turned down the Sox 4 year, $60 Million offer, and is getting interest from the Yanks (who declined arbitration on John Damon and are in the market for a left fielder), Seattle (Bay’s adopted home town) and likely the Angels among others. I say Theo should give him the “FU J.D.” deal of five years and $80 million, just to show Drew that he doesn’t deserve to be the highest paid player on a perennial contender.

Mrs. About To Be Traded For A Power Hitter

Free agents aside, and there aren’t many other big name ones to speak of, the Sox look to be movers and shakers in the trading market. From using all of the blackmail materials that Theo has on Hoyer from their years together to get Adrian Gonzalez, to trying to pry Hanley Ramirez back from the Marlins to undo the trade that Theo would never have made had he not run away in a gorilla suit in the fall of 2006. These are all just ideas, and apparently the GMs get together at the meetings and just throw packages at each other (just like you and your buddies do in bars or in front of the TV at home). The Sox do have what seems to be the strongest trading chip of the offseason in Clay Buchholz, a young, cheap pitcher who is improving fast and the team still has control over for five seasons.

Hello, my name is Miguel and my wife kicked my ass.

The one idea I still don’t like is giving up Buchholz for Roy Halladay. Halladay is one of the best pitchers in the Majors and has been for a while, but he is 34, and will either be a one year loaner or a guy you have to give $20 million per to keep. This is the same argument I made when the Sox were thinking of trading Lester, Coco and Lowrie to the Twins for Johan Santana. Then as now, I said the only reason to make the deal is to keep him away from the Yanks. A much better path to follow is using that chip (Clay) to acquire a young power hitter in the way of a Gonzalez or Miguel Cabrera (that is only possible thanks to the auto industry collapsing all over Detroit). Gonzalez is preferable since he doesn’t already have the big dollar deal, but aside from the drinking and getting his ass kicked by his wife, Cabrera is supposedly a great clubhouse guy who would be a prefect replacement for Ortiz at DH after his contract expires next fall. Cabrera isn’t as good defensively as Gonzalez, and would likely be more of a DH than a first baseman, but if Lars Anderson ever pans out in the minors we’ve got that covered.

Then again, I have no f#$%ing clue what is going to happen.

Go Sox.

76 days.

Done.

December 3, 2009

Relax Canada, You’ve got Football Tonight, Even After that Grey Cup Debacle.

Roger Goodell continues to piss off all of America by  giving us Thursday night football games that only about 35% of us can watch (no I didn’t do any research on that, I just ballparked a number), but tonight he can anger a whole other country by giving them the shittiest game possible. That’s right, the people of Canada get to enjoy their one and only NFL game tonight and they get a big FU because it’s the Jets and the Bills.

So it’s all right that you can’t see the game tonight because it’s probably going to suck. SMC and MVPork are taking the Jets and just to be an asshole I’ll take the Bills and their new coach, whatshisname. Last week’s scores: Done 9-7, 70-75-2 total; SMC 8-8, 68-77-2; MVPork 5-11, 14-18-0.

Enjoy the Game.

Go Sox.

77 Days.

Done.

December 2, 2009

Hilarity Ensues With Tiger Woods’ Skank Jaimee Grubbs on Tool Academy.

The Last E is for "Extra Stupid"

So apparently Tiger Woods nailed a skank from my guiltiest pleasure ever, Tool Academy. Of Course, upon hearing this news, I joined my old friend wikipedia, in a search for exactly who this bag of used tampons is and what impact she had on the show.

Jaimee's Tool

As it turns out, she was not only one of the ten women who were stupid enough to stay with guys who needed to go on the show, but the most pitiful of them all. See, what had happened was that she got on the show with her “boyfriend” Shawn (also known as Loud-Mouth Tool) who was the dictionary definition of a douchebag, from the Flock of Seagulls haircut to the acid washed jeans and ripped t-shirts. He then proceeded to make himself known to bet he biggest tool on the show (planet) and pick fights with about half of the other tools. However, before the guy could even get himself “expelled,” his other girlfriend showed up. He had been dating this other, equally dysfunctional, chick ( and I’m not using the words chick and hooker and skank to demean all women, just these ones) for about six years and Miss Grubbs (aka the Tigerf#$%er) just got stuck in the middle of it.

You might want to just slit your throat with that now.

The long and short of it is that Jamie Grubbs, one of Tiger Woods’ many, many mistresses, was the most pitiful hooker on a TV show which I love to watch to make my finacee feel better about the fact that I’m not one of those people. She got dumped by a guy who was enough of a douche to get taken on Tool Academy, and it was while he was still on the show. (At the reunion show this guy showed up with the two girls who he had been on the show with, who both hate him, and a third chick who is having his baby and wants nothing to do with him. This proves that VH1 is the ultimate way to attract trash of all kinds.)

In the end, am I surprised by the fact that Tiger likes the whores? No, but I am surprised that he would go fo these chicks when he could be nailing supermodels on the side. The lesson in this is not to let your wife find out that you are leaving home to nail some chick who is uglier than her at 1 am on Thanksgiving Night, especially when there are plenty of blunt objects around with which she can strike you in the face.

Go Elin, Go Sox.

78 Days.

Done.

December 1, 2009

Artificial Turf: Kicked in the Fantasy Balls, Effing Brady

I suck so super hard.

I felt sorta this deflated after the Super Bowl loss to the Giants. I mean last night wasn’t just some loss, it was a thorough ass kicking from start to finish. Frankly, Brady sucked. He didn’t play McKenzie at all like he should have and he missed several uncovered receivers in favor of double and triple coverage. Not to mention I needed 17 fantasy points for the win from Welker, Moss and Gostowski COMBINED and I came up one 2 short and effing lost. I needed one extra point, unfortunately, the Patriots needed 3 plus the preceeding touchdowns.

Don't fucking touch me asshole.

Immediately in the game I liked the aggressive stance going it for it twice on 4th down in the opening offensive series… but as the game went on nd we continued to make those gambles and need them more and more… it really did feel like the it was a confidence issue with the young defense. Brees and the Saints really lit our asses up and Bush wasn’t even active.

And where was Edelman? If you watched the game you saw him standing on the sidelines in full uniform with his helmet off watching some dbag from the practice squad (#15) take his minutes. He must have done something unforgivable in practice last week.

Take this page here... and turn it into fucking toilet paper.

Bottom line, Brady sucked, the defense sucked, special team coverage sucked and the Saints had the upperhand all night. The Saints and the Colts are 10-0 and are the best teams in football separated by home field advantage and the Vikings with the MVPerforming Favre are a close second/third.

It’s a ridiculously exciting football for the all-around fan, a team that started 0-6 has a playoff chance for christ sake. Essentially, any team with 5 wins can make the playoffs by winning out and the 7-4 Patriots are looking down the stretch to an increasingly important week 17 game against the Texan which isn’t exactly a lay up…

I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

StartMattCassel

November 30, 2009

Artificial Preview: Jingle Jangle in The Big Easy

To

For the

Very Simple game plan:

The Patriots will win by one point tonight if they can play Patriot football. Brady will need to extend the field with Moss so that Wes Welker, Kevin Faulk and Lawrence Maroney can be more effective underneath. Given the Saints’ flexible run defense, I think Faulk is going to be a big X factor as the Pats attempt to beat the unbeaten.

The major key to the game is to not let Darren Sharper score a defensive touchdown.

Accomplish that, and we’re looking at a win for the Good Guys.

StartMattCassel

November 29, 2009

NFL Week 12 Picks: OMG

This dude ate a whole bunch of turkey.

Not an expert showing this Thursday, but what the hell, we’re only experts when we’re winning. I hope everyone’s tryptophan comas are wearing off in time for today’s American football games. It should be a good week with some close games.

Cedric Benson, Michael Turner and Adrian Peterson should all be on the field today, despite being listed as questionable. And we’re hoping that Turner takes the load from Snelling (heyo) because I have a huge rivalry fantasy matchup with Big Broski who picked up Snelling in a free agent deal when Turner went down. So we need Turner to suck up as many carries as possible. Why should you care about all this, you may ask… no reason.

And OMG OMG OMG… I can’t wait for Monday night.

TTYL.

Thursday: SMC: 1-2 Done: 0-3 MVPork: 0-3

Favorite Spread Dog Done SMC MVPork
IND -3.5 At HOU IND IND IND
At CIN -13.5 CLE CIN CIN CIN
At MIN -10.5 CHI MIN MIN MIN
At PHI -9.5 WASH WASH WASH PHI
MIA -3 At BUF MIA MIA MIA
At TEN -2 AZ TEN TEN AZ
SEA -4 At STL SEA SEA SEA
At ATL -12 TB TB ATL ATL
At NYJ -3.5 CAR NYJ CAR CAR
At SF -3 JACK JACK SF SF
At SD -13.5 KC SD SD KC
At BAL -7.5 PIT BAL BAL BAL
At NO -1.5 NE NO NE NO
Last Wk: 9-7 8-8 9-7
Overall: 61-71-2 61-71-2 9-10

November 28, 2009

God May Poop, But Tim Tebow Fertilizes Fields for Starving Children

Tim Tebow Would Cry After Sex.

The Florida Gators demolished the Florida State Seminoles (and Bobby Bowden’s final shot at glory) this afternoon to complete an undefeated regular season and move them one step closer to playing for their third “National Championship” in four years. Tim Tebow, who most sports media outlets would have you believe is the offspring of Jesus and The Heisman Trophy, was dominant once again, but the continued media fawning over him is really getting overboard. During today’s admittedly boring game the announcers spent about 15 minutes talking about the bible verse on Tebow’s eyeblack strips, and how he is so inspirational.

It’s all crap. You know what would inspire me? Him kicking ass, walking out of that stadium and going Matt Leinart all over the women of the University of Florida. That’s right, I want Tebow to be all of those negative stereotypes of a college football player, because I can’t stand to see him waste the opportunity that has been placed before him. I’m not talking about the NFL or saving the souls of all the heathens out there. I’m talking about the hordes of dumb beautiful women that attend the University of Florida.

Please, Tim, channel your inner Leinart (or even Kyle Orton) and make those of us who know and enjoy the fact that Jesus loved the ladies be just as proud of you as the missionaries in your home town are.

And then you can cry like a sissy again after Alabama beats you next week.

Go Sox.

82 Days.

Done.

November 26, 2009

Nobody Expects the Curse of Nomar.

Don't you hate it when your groin muscle pulls away from the bone?

When I awoke/stopped vomiting (due to being full of pre Thanksgiving travel food) this morning, I was planning to write about my thoughts on the various trade rumors surrounding the Boston Red Sox and Clay Buchholz. For the second off season in the past four years, one of the best pitchers in the AL is available on the trade market and numerous other players are within the realm of possibility.

But then I checked Extra Bases and found that the Curse of Nomar had struck again. I know we (Red Sox fans) are thought to be overly willing to call any amount of bad luck (or pure suckitude) a curse (like Shaughnessy’s made up Curse of the Bambino), but this time it really is a Billy Goat level curse. When Nomar Garciaparra was traded away from the Red Sox on July 31st 2004, he struck the team with a curse, not to have a successful shortstop (meaning one who didn’t make us want to swallow a winchester) while he was still in the league.

Today that curse came back to get us just when we thought things might be a little bit more settled. Alex Gonzalez, the Sox starting shortstop in 2006 and the guy who gave us some type of stability last August and September, was thought to be an option to come back. The team had declined a $6 million option on Gonzo a few weeks ago, but was still planning on offering him a one year $3 million deal, especially after he hit .280 down the stretch with an unexpected burst of power.

Then came this morning’s report that Gonzo had signed with the Toronto BJs for a one year deal worth $2.75 Mil. The Curse has struck again. The Sox will need another new shortstop.

So who will be the next bearer of the curse? The options are Marco Scutaro, a versatile guy who is coming off a career year, and, um, …. …. yeah. Adam Everett, Khalil Greene (best white guy name ever, it just makes me want to make jihad jokes) and Miguel Tejada are also options, but this is not 2006 and this is also not the NL West. The Sox need to get this settled, and a one year stopgap measure is not going to make it.

The other option that everyone is always mentioning is Orlando Cabrera, who took over for Nomar in 2004, but he has worn out his welcome on for other ballclubs since then, and was not resigned by the Sox for “Off-Field Issues,” which means that dudes boof him. Of course, I can’t confirm that, but since 2004, everybody who has been asked in public and may actually know has refused to answer for fear of being sued for libel.

More soon on all of the trade speculation, unless something went down at dinner tonight, Schilling style.

Happy Thanksgiving, Go Sox.

84 Days.

Done.

November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving Day NFL Picks

Happy Freakin Thanksgiving

Happy Turkey Day, Sportsfans. A day of eating, drinking, watching football and having the same 6 minute conversation over and over again.

Here are the Turkey Day Game Picks:

Favorite Spread Dog Done SMC MVPork
Green Bay -11.5 At Detroit DET GB DET
At DAL -13.5 Oakland OAK OAK OAK
NYG -6 At Denver NYG NYG NYG

November 26, 2009

Every Team is Better with a Guy Named Tug.

I don’t really know anything about this but the Sox just picked up a guy named Tug Hulett from the Royals. Here is the info from Extra Bases:

The club acquired versatile infielder Tug Hulett from the Kansas City Royals for a player to be named later or cash considerations.

Hulett, 26, hit .111 in 18 at-bats with one RBI in 15 games for the Royals last season.

He appeared in five games at second base (two starts), but also saw time at third base (one game), shortstop (one game), left field (one game) and right field (two games).

The lefthanded hitter, who is the son of former major leaguer Tim Hulett, spent most of last season at the Royals’ Triple A Omaha affiliate, where he hit .291 with 11 home runs and 53 RBI in 99 games.

Overall, Hulett owns a .194 batting average with one homer and three RBI in 45 games in the big leagues.

He probably won’t make the big club anytime soon, or will be flipped for Gonzalez/Halladay/Cabrera/Pujols, but hell, we have a guy named Tug, and that worked out for the Phillies (and Faith Hill). So we’ve got that going for us.

More on the trade ideas later.

Go Sox.

84 Days.

Done.