Red Sox Lose to Angels in the Playoffs: The World is Coming to an End.

That was not fun. In the spirit of the day, here is an old favorite which will hopefully put the kick ass back into the Sox, B’s and Fred Taylor’s ankle.

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With a new year at our doorstep, it is time to give our teams the momentum they need by telling them how bad 2009 will actually be for them. Last year, at the start of 2008, Dan “The Curly Haired Boyfriend (where did this nickname come from? He has curly hair, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t anyone’s boyfriend)” Shaughnessy decided to tell us how great the year was going to be. He wrote out each of the predictions in the form of the headlines, predicting the greatest possible outcome for the local sports teams (except the Bruins). Of course, everything went exactly opposite of what Dan, in his lame attempt at humor said, sometimes in the most painful way (see: SuperBowl XLII). The 35 game NFL winning streak, Ellsbury’s amazing season (and another World Series Title with a happy Left Fielder), the complete disappearance of the Boston Bruins, and Jim Rice’s election into the HOF are among the things that Shaughnessy jinxed us out of, though he did get the C’s title right (a drunken lemur could have gotten that one right).

If that’s how it’s gonna be, we will do our own lame predictions for the year ahead. So, as I watch the Ravens play (and beat) the goddamn Dolphins in the playoffs, I will channel the spirit of Will McDonough (the legendary Globe sportswriter who called Clemens a “Texas Con Man” 20 years before the Mitchell report) and Reverse Cheer our boys to victory in 2009.

THE BOSTON RED SOX will miss the big bat in the middle their lineup, as “Big Floppy” David Ortiz hits only three homeruns and Kevin Youkilis’ beard becomes sentient and causes him to tear an ACL in a bizarre mid season attack on Mike Lowell. The pitching staff does well enough, but with Dice-K leaving every game after throwing 120 pitches in three scoreless innings and Tim Wakefield striking out 300 (all of whom reached first on passed balls) it will be hard to win with only 0.78 runs of support per game. 12 wins will not be enough to make the playoffs. The Yankees, on the other hand, win 120 games and sweep the playoffs to win the Series. CC Sabathia is going to lose 40 lbs and win 30 games and Mark “Sexi Texi” Teixeira will become the first man since Yaz in ’67 to win the triple crown with 75 HR, 193 RBI and a .410 BA. Tony Massaroti  will come out of hibernation in November, be told the news and instantly commit Hari-Kari. Jim Rice will miss the Hall of Fame by one vote and refuse to talk to the media, even in his job at NESN, ever again. I will shit my pants, twice.

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS will allow Matt Cassel to go in free agency, following reports that Tom Brady’s knee is 100% on track to be ready for training camp. These reports will turn out to be wrong as Brady is killed on the first day of camp, when his knee collapses, stabbing his own tibia through his abdomen. Kevin O’Connell will then inherit the mantle of quarterback and lead the Patriots to an 11-5 record, but miss the playoffs again due to the fact that the Dolphins could not beat the Matt Cassel and Josh McDaniels led Jets. The Jets will go on to beat the Browns, who are rebuilt by Pioli and Mangini, in the AFC Championship, before losing the Superbowl to Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings. StartMattCassel will change his name to WelkersFluffer (if you don’t know what that means I ain’t gonna tell you).

THE BOSTON CELTICS will never recover from the Christmas day loss to the Lakers, posting the opposite record (3-27) in the next thirty games. Ray Allen’s ankles will explode, impaling both Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce with pieces of bone. Garnett will laugh off the injury, keep playing and bleed to death while dunking on Zydrunas Ilgauskas.Pierce will sit down for two months and come back just in time to lead the Celtics to the eighth seed in the east, but get swept in the first round by the Cavaliers and Ilgauskas, who absorbed the power of KG, Highlander style, when the Big Ticket died. Rajon Rondo will retire, figuring that he will never have as good a team to distribute the ball to, and Kendrick Perkins will eat himself out of the league in one afternoon at Sizzler. AngryBlackAle will continue to be angry.

THE BOSTON BRUINS will stop playing like it’s the last half of 2008, and start playing like it’s the first half of 2005, when they were locked out.Claude Julien will start acting like the French guy who he stole the name from and start surrendering at the start of every game. Tim Thomas and Manny Fernandez will go on strike after getting snubbed from the All Star ballot, and Zdeno Chara will hit his head on the Jumbotron, knocking him out for the month of March. The City of Boston will finally acknowledge that the Bruins are really, really good, just in time for them to lose 12 straight games in shootouts. The Montreal Canadiens will win the Stanley Cup and force everone in America to start speaking French. This will cause us to surrender to China, and the Communists will win.

IN OTHER NEWS, Plaxico Burress will shoot off the tip of his penis while carrying a gun in his banana hammock on vacation in Mexico (Thanks Catfish). Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds will both be convicted of perjury and be sentenced to spend the next four years injecting each other in the butt. Heath Ledger will be snubbed at the Oscars and come back from the dead to appear at the show and yell at those who didn’t vote for him (Best. Movie. Ever.) Rickey Henderson will announce at his Hall of Fame induction that he wants to play this season, and will then sign a deal with the Marlins. The owners of Anheuser-Busch will realize that, by selling their company to Belgians, they have lost any claim on the title of “The Great American Lager” and will stop airing that commercial where they almost mention this site (“Some guy in Boston told me to get out of his yard“) in connection with their shitty beer.

39 days.

Done.

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Things can only go up.

Go Sox.

Done.